Secure Men vs. Insecure Men

So I was out at the shop and that’s where I do most of my thinking, building, working on stuff, and I thought of something. So I figured I better share it. The title of the video, Secure Men versus Insecure Men. Oh yeah, how do you like that, little Scooby Doo bandaid. I must be secure as a man, to wear a Scooby Doo bandaid, right? That’s at least the way I’m going with it.

But anyway, so I was out here thinking and that whole piece of how do we … Number one, what’s the difference between secure men and insecure men and number two, how do we change someone from insecure to secure? Or how can we bring up a young man from insecurity in himself as a man to security in himself as man, or feeling secure in that place?

So let’s talk a little bit first about just a couple differences that I feel. Now again, this isn’t exhaustive, isn’t an exhaustive list. It isn’t the first time anybody’s ever talked about it. I am not the so-called expert on it. It’s just my feelings and things that I’ve seen over the years that I hope can help. So let’s get into a couple of the top ones.

So a secure man, just like a secure leader’s, going to surround himself with strong me. The insecure man is going to surround himself with weaker men, just like the insecure leader is going to surround himself with weaker people. It makes them feel better. It makes them, in their mind, look better. So that’s the first one. So if you see someone or if you see yourself surrounding yourself or surrounding themselves with people who are weaker than they are, that’s a sign of insecurity. The secure one, it’s … Surrounding yourself with secure people who are stronger than you, is going to make you better. It’s going to push you. Secure men, secure people, in general, are okay with being pushed. They’re okay with trying to be better.

A secure man is going to encourage calculated risk-taking. The insecure man is going to discourage risk-taking. I think about the helicopter parents, the hoverers, the ones who would just as soon wrap their children in bubble wrap rather than see them take a calculated risk. Not that I’m saying that I give my kids scissors and tell them to go run with scissors, but I do encourage taking calculated risks. I think it’s helping my boys grow. It’s helping them see those different things and push past certain fears. And I’d rather have them take a calculated risk when I’m around and I’m there to help pick up the pieces if things go awry.

The other thing is, the secure man is going to spotlight great performance and they’re not really concerned if they get any of the credit. Whereas the insecure man is going to still spotlight great performance, but they’re going to make sure that they get their share of the credit. So there’s another difference. You get that person, and again, this is … It’s called man-up, but it could be human-up, woman-up, could be all of us-up, but you see someone who surrounds … or who spotlights great performance, but they make sure that everybody there knows that they had a hand in it. That’s somebody who’s insecure.

The secure person’s just going to say, if I saw Jim do a great job, I’m going to say, “Hey, Jim did this. Let’s give Jim a hand. Jim, that was awesome, nice job. Proud of you.” I don’t care how much of a hand I had to play in it. If Jim did it, Jim did it. Awesome job, Jim. I don’t know where Jim came from, but probably from my days at the shop I used to work at.

The secure man’s going to surround himself with people who think different. The insecure man is going to surround himself with people who think the same. It’s funny, because you go to the bar, and they call it liquid courage, on the computer, I would call it keyboard courage, you’ve got courage as long as you’re behind a keyboard. And quite honestly, I like to see those things. I like to see those comments that are different than mine, because let’s face it, I could be wrong. I like to be challenged on things. Then you’ve got the ones that just say it because they want to say it, they like to hear themselves talk, and that just leads to … that just shows insecurity.

But it really is that piece of, kind of along the lines of the surrounding yourself with people who are better than you or stronger than you. People who think differently than you can be very, very helpful, to help you grow as a person. So look for people who, if they surround themselves with people who think exactly the same as them, all the time … I mean, let’s face it. We’re going to have friends, we’re going to have people who think, we kind of think similar. And we’re going to hang out with those people, just because we gravitate towards those people more. But if that’s all you hang out with, then there’s a insecurity issue, most likely.

The secure man is going to want to be part of the process. Let’s say in family, in dealing with your wife, your spouse, in dealing in your field, in a job, the secure man wants to be part of the process. So what that means is, if there’s a powwow going on, or if there’s a decision to be made, or some kind of a process to be developed and come up with, just that creative thinking piece, the secure man wants to be part of that process. And it doesn’t matter, at the end of the day, if their ideas were used. What matters is that they were part of the process, they felt heard, they felt like their input was valued, and that’s all that matters. The insecure man is going to be ticked or pout or be pissed off if their ideas aren’t used. It doesn’t matter if they’re part of the process or not, it’s whether or not their ideas were actually used. So that’s the insecure and the secure part there.

The secure man, and this was, I don’t know who actually said it, here it is. The secure man is okay with owning up to mistakes. So the secure man is going to accept responsibility for what he’s done, whether good or bad, and not deflect it. The insecure man is going to deflect responsibility for what they’ve done. If you screw up, the insecure person’s going to deflect that responsibility to someone else. We all know those people, where it’s never their fault. It’s always somebody else’s fault. That’s that insecure piece.

And the last one I’m going to share with you is the insecure … the secure man knows that you must earn respect, not demand it and not force it, because then it’s really not respect. The insecure man is going to try and force or demand that people respect him.

So those are a couple of things that … And these are things that I try and check myself on, because let’s face it, none of us are perfect. I’m making imperfect progress moving forward, and these are the things that I try and check myself on.

So okay, how do we help nurture or mature someone, like a young man into that secure process or how do we help a more seasoned man through the process of changing into from insecure to secure? It all boils down to success, as with anything. Think about when you were learning to tie your shoes. If you never had success tying your shoes, eventually you would have given up. You would have quit. Same thing with learning to walk, learning to crawl, without those successes, there’s no reason for us, in our human mind, to keep moving forward.

So especially when you’re looking at mentoring someone through or living by example, helping someone through that process, think about those successes. Sometimes we have to create success. We have to create a situation where we know that there can be success had. Let’s just say that in encouragement of calculated risk taking, we take a risk that we know as either the dad or the mentor that, “Okay, there’s probably a good chance that that’s going to be successful,” that any time we can give them a small success that’s going to move them in the right direction towards that secure position.

So in all those different areas, whether it’s respect, whether it’s accepting responsibility, whether it’s surrounding ourselves with those who think differently, whether it’s spotlighting great performance and not being concerned whether or not you get credit, giving … being able to give success in those areas, and then praising it.

Okay, it sounds like we’re training a dog, but I mean, I guess it’s kind of the same, somewhat the same thing, from what I’ve done in training. But it really is. We have to celebrate those successes in order for them … I’m not talking about you have to buy them a new toy or a new truck or a new … you don’t have to go overboard on it, but it’s just celebrating those successes, celebrating the character associated with those successes is the key thing.

Just had to share with you guys a little bit about … I mean, I think honestly part of that whole man-up process is secure versus … it really is being secure versus an insecure man, a secure versus an insecure leader, for that matter. So take it for what you will. Remember Those of you who haven’t bought the book yet, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, wherever great books are sold. I look forward to continuing to chat.

If you guys have anything you want me to think about when I’m in the shop and come on in and talk about, please, comment below. I love to have ideas, love to have great conversations, so thanks guys. You guys all have a great night. Catch you later.